It wasn’t always that way. There have been a hundred thousand times I have felt “I wish I were them” … I remember back in grade school, a photo flashback … Connie Noble is slim built with straight hips … I admire that type of frame in a girl … I am more curvy built even as a pre-teen. Connie Noble can wear Jordache Jeans – you know – the kind with the horse sewn on them. I am jealous. Everyone notices her and she’s popular. I want to wear jeans with a horse sewn on them. I want to look as good as Connie Noble does in her Jordache’s.
I notice some girls just know how to fit in with others … they are articulate and funny. I am jealous. I want to be articulate and funny and fit in too. But I’m naturally introverted and thus I wish I weren’t me, I wish I were extroverted like them.
Ever since I could talk I asked my mom for a horse. I use to fantasize being born into a horse family and not my own family. Instead of showing chickens and rabbits at the fair, I would dream of showing a horse and spending hours in the barn.
I felt so dissatisfied with not having all the things I wanted as a kid and admired in others, I didn’t like being me, sometimes I hated being me. I couldn’t do any of the things that girls could do … I couldn’t sing, I couldn’t dance, I played the piano without rhythm. I wasn’t even that great at sports. How depressing. At least it was for me.
Even though that was my focus growing up, on how inadequate I was, those few paragraphs don’t give a clue as to the blessings I failed to count in my life. I lived where I could walk and bicycle for miles in safety, I came from an intact loving family, I grew up with all necessities and even some extras. I had opportunities to learn arts and crafts and won sewing contests locally and even nationally. My parents supported me in the college education of my choice. We had loads of holiday vacations and a swimming pool in the back yard.
I feel shame and guilt for all the ingratitude I held inside. It’s taken me a while of reframing my life and forgiving myself. And giving myself permission to work on creating those things that are meaningful to me … particularly horses … horses have been the most enriching and grounding experience I have achieved in my life. Horses aren’t for everyone – you may have something else that drives your longings. But horses are my thing.
I have many blessings to be thankful for … I’m happily married to a supportive husband. We live in the country surrounded by horses, land and trees. The natural beauty and solitude is exactly what my spirit craves. My family is proud of what I’ve done in life. My work as a therapist helping others fully live their lives is extremely fulfilling.
I’m glad I’ve come to this point in my life where I can say I like being me. I don’t want to be anyone else. Yes, there are still people I admire who can sing and dance and look good in clothes that I love, but I no longer wish I were them anymore. I simply acknowledge their blessings, am glad they have them (hope they appreciate their natural gifts), and feel gratitude for my own.
Yep, I can honestly say, I Like Being ME!