I had my annual checkup today and go to a set of holistic doctors. I was seen by a new nurse practitioner. I came prepared for the visit. A three year graph printout from my Fitbit scale showing my weight changes with menopause, my low basal body temperature readings for the past month, a list of my menopause symptoms rated with a severity scale, and a panel listing of blood tests (hormone, cortisol, and physiological) recommended by Dr. Anna Cabeca for women with menopause symptoms. I also brought a bottle of the hormone balance calcium d-glucarate, natural progesterone cream with DHEA and a brochure on Julva (the vaginal cream that is working wonders and healing that area whereas two years of using the $337 a tube Estrace cream did nothing).
I also was excited to share that I was being proactive and to talk about what I was learning in Dr. Anna’s menopause program. But the NP had her own agenda and that was to check off the questions on her computer, renew my blood pressure prescriptions, delete the Estrace script, and schedule the annual blood work and mammogram.
She briefly looked over the papers I brought for her and my chart (10 seconds tops), gave them back (they were for YOU and my record), and said hormone testing wasn’t indicated and that some people in menopause have symptoms and others don’t. WTF?! Boy was I angry. She did everything by the book but she didn’t “care” about her patient. That’s what I expect from a traditional medical practice but not a holistic one. I bet she won’t last long there. Plus I notice she couldn’t turn her head … she was literally stiff necked.
What is wrong with women taking women’s issues more seriously? Blood pressure pills only address the symptoms, whereas estrogen imbalances affect nitric oxide which affects the relaxation of the blood vessels which affects blood pressure. What do you mean hormone testing is not indicated? It is if you want to get to the root of the various problems I’m having.
I went home angry. I don’t like feeling angry. First I reached out to my social network in the Magic Menopause course group and vented – within a short time several other women shared their similar stories with doctors visits. Second, I heated up my amethyst infrared healing massage table and put on an anger releasing meditation from Louise Hay.
The meditation had me think of five people I was angry with and bring them forward. The five people that came to my mind were: 1. a prominent woman in my upbringing, 2. a rock like structure representing those I’d loved and lost, 3. me as a little girl, 4. a general representation of men who have hurt me, and 5. authority figures who have let me down (like that NP today). I like visualizations, they are extremely easy for me, and work well for giving me wisdom from my subconscious.
We were guided to feel the anger in our body. I felt it in my stomach, in a clenched jaw, in holding my breath, and in general tightness here and there.
The next part of the visualization was to confront each “person” and really let them have the brunt of my anger. That just seemed weird, I can see things from their perspective too and I know that they didn’t intend to make me angry.
When I looked at the prominent woman in my upbringing, underlying the anger was a sense of failure and the inability to do anything right because it wasn’t “perfect.” She had high standards because she had her own fear of being judged inadequate by others.
When I looked at the rock structure and thought of those I’d lost (who had died), under my anger at the loss was my fear of being unable to survive without them. I have survived and sure didn’t feel right to vent on them for dying and leaving me.
When I looked into the eyes of myself as a little child, I felt compassion and forgiveness for my own past faults. I couldn’t unleash a torrent of anger at that little girl. I just wanted reached out and took her in my arms and hugged her close.
When I looked at the men who have broken up with me, I was angry at their rejection, but it opened up the opportunity to have my relationship with my husband. It felt weird yelling at them now even though they left scars, those scars have healed made me stronger, so I can now thank them for moving on.
When I looked at in the face of the authority figures who have let me down, I felt anger but I also felt sorry for them. They will never be remembered as good authority figures unless they change their game. Like the nurse practitioner, they will get a stiff neck and have their own problems for lacking patience, empathy and compassion. Those things show up eventually in problems during aging.
The next part of the meditation we were supposed to vaporize these old images, turn them to ashes. That didn’t feel right to me either. They weren’t toxic poisonous images and instead I decided I’d transform each image and heal it with a shield of love flowing from above, over, and around. Instead of a pile of ashes, I had glowing people similar to beautiful flowers.
Then I napped and woke up ready to take on the remainder of the day. The anger is gone, my body feels relaxed and I can breathe deeply. I don’t think I’d recommend the anger releasing guided visualization to my clients but I made it work for me. I’d love to hear what helps you when your anger is triggered!